A lot of things had been accused and hurled at me and I take everything calmly.
From the outside I may be calm but only Allah swt know what really went on inside.
I perplexed to note people who claim to know me and close to me but the actual fact they don’t know me well. If they really know me, they will never be upset with whatever decision I make.
In whatever I intended to do, I always think very long and hard before coming out with decision. I weight the pros and cons in every aspects. When I decide, I have strong reason to it. Even if I am not particularly sure, I will perform ‘istiqarah’ prayer to seek HIS guidance.
I notice not many can comprehend with my decision. Sadly to note, when my decision goes their way, they will give full support and can be clearly seen in their action and words. But when decision goes towards their disadvantages, they will not hesitate to show it. They may try to lie but the voice tone and body language clearly show it.
Throughout my life, I am looking at somebody who really care, trust and understand me. Sadly after 45 years, I still could not find the person. I thought I had found more than four times, but all proves to me that they are not.
1. Mom & Dad
I love them dearly and I indebted to them forever. I am proud to be their son and will always love them. Unfortunately, they are not listening to my inner voice. But I never blame them because they have four other kids and now 7 grandchildren to think off.
2. Sis
I love my sister even though we hardly know each other well. We were separated from early age as she had entered boarding school in my early age and since then, we are brother & sister without really knowing well each other. I don’t blame her as this is fate and her priority is always her immediate family.
3. Sal
I love her even though she hardly said it to me lately. We know each other for more than 20 years and I admire her for her patience and care. She claimed to respect and know me, but time and again whenever things are not going her way, she will show her tantrum. She knew how I think unfortunately she refuse to accept the truth if it is not to her music. As human being, I make a lot of mistakes in the past, but she did the same too. Unfortunately no matter what I do, she will keep the grudges and use whatever my past mistakes to put every blame on me. I thought I found what I am looking for in her, but when she is been tested, I am deeply sad with the outcome. I always pray to Allah swt to test her and my pray had been answered and I accept the outcome. I will always keep my part of bargain in loving her and taking care of her till my death and just saddened with the outcome.
4. Emma
I started by symphatising with her and as I knew her further, I felt in love. She is somebody is had always been at wrong place at wrong time with wrong people. She is a nice lady and sadly her innocence made her easy target by most party. She had been accused with all kind of accusation and as I know her further I notice she is always opposite to what people said about her. My sole intention marrying her is to give what she never get since she was small i.e. love and care. And she deserved better than what she got all these while. Even though she may look weak, but she is very strong internally as she had never bad mouth or showed any disrespect despite of all accusation hurled at her. I knew everyday she get more ‘pahala’ for what people said about her. Unfortunately, she also never really understand me tried hard to see things from my perspective. Whatever it is, I will still keep my part of bargain to take good care of her till my death.
I had to date come to the conclusion that my search is almost over and what I am looking for is not available in this world. There is only one and only that truly understand me and my rationale i.e. my creator, Allah swt.
Allahuakhbar, Subhanallah and Alhamdulillah.
